two lines from ghalib

Jeete rahe tere vade ko maan jhoot janaKi
Khusi se mar na jate gar aitabar hota

'sensex crosses 9000'
'how does this affect to me??'
'it does not. but there are many things which affect me indirectly'
'there are many thing like this'
'it does not put merit on the things which we talk about or which we do not……
If we look on things with a broader (I would say when lines are not there) perspective it does not make sense whether we are talking about this thing or that…
But honestly speaking I did not send you sent you mail with that perspective in mind. It was just a pretty happiness (happiness which was based on false….)
Which sprung out of my neuronal reactions which make my existence itself meaningless (hence the things I do).'
'nervous break down'

apreciating so called beauty,
germinated on fertility of deads...
all leads to insanity....
germinated on fertility of deads...

who made them like this.....i don't think they ever wanted to be like this.who wants to be just a fantacy of others world.....we never asked them....they never revolted....they are beautiful?...or we made them beautiful.....'beauty' is most wrongly valued word in the world..........................

i did not want to get up..but i did...i did not want to come here...but i am here.....
who says this is me???? i wonder i am i??? i am not disowning my body..........but
i don't want to continue with this.......i wonder i am i???

i saw you today without words....i liked you...i wanted to touch you......
people will say you are not beautiful.......who are they.....i want to touch you.....

words speaking to words......

i am never happy with language...... distorts my thought;
killer in the books;
and we embrace him;
we love death;
knowingly or unknowingly;
we love the death and we love to kill;
knowingly or unknowingly;

today i thought about you;
you don't exist without me;
you and only you;
wisper in my hands;
you and only you;
one touch;
many years;
you and me;
it was not love;
a wisper;to my body;
you and only you;
no i never existed without you;

sweet air;
with warm touchfrom nothingness;
i love it.

things i love most;
you;
nothingness;
and you. things i hate most;
you; everyone; you;

acadmic identity?? its just like a big family.....and u just want to be part of that family....it gives you social security but security for whom?? you are no more? its family and fictituous fugures not you....u are providing social security to them.. they get strengthened...its really gutsy to leave lucrative acadmic family...alas....i cud not do that....

i never wanted to wrap you in my words........but i never wanted u wrapped in others word....

warmness of memories..... who is my sun..yesterday midnight when i was back to my place after diner i could see the warmness of the sky without sun....moon was not that beautiful... i always loved sky without moon...twinklinig of stars..but i always loved earth with moon..whiteness of darkness... i remeber my days at my home when we used to sit surrounding fire enjoying the warmness touching each and every part of me.. it was chilling cold ...i love chilling cold...belive me its not symmetric.. the role of these two can't be exchanged... i miss winter very much..

why can't we fall in love with more than one woman??

memory gives direction to the time.

our limitation??... language. many clouds.. a lot of possibilities...many killed. who did this?? ...need for communication... with the persons who are my own creation..with the knowledge borrowed from society. if we all are just thoughts only. Then whats there which makes me different from you. whats there which says this is me and this is you. lost somewhere... impossible clarity...lot of lives.......impossible communication....

we increase our expectations and then fullfill them. what matters is the difference between these two...expectation and fullfilment. and this is indepedent of the its location in our time axis. few days back i was discussing with one of my friend about progress. do we really progress?? is the progress not the cocept which is tied with the society only. has progress anything to do with indivisual?? we are not governed by what we are. the direction is already chosen. no option ??.... no resentment!!!! when i see you and when i see a stone. what i use to differentiate between you and the stone is my knowledge (or being bias toward one) which i have borrowed from society (we can't scape from this.. do we? we are hardwired.... )!!!! so what you are ?? a bunch of thoughts which i have reserved for you... bunch of thoughts which come in my mind when i see you. nothing more than that. thoughts and progress??? rediculous...

i was on the terrace of my hostel, a silver colored cloud was chaging a black cloud. And one cloud was struggling to get color. cloud trying to get color?? big joke? but we are not expected to laugh....clouds will laugh.

absurdity? our mean of survival. we love our absurdity. we can't escape out. we need at least one extra dimension.

today i had a strange feeling of living in shining light. clouds about clouds. lake is shining with the lights from the buildings on the other side of road. lake water is dancing but where are clouds? the i am wraped in light and clouds are hiding behind the darkness. these are the moments when i feel unconfortable with light. i want to live with my clouds in darkness...........